it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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