Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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