sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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