If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize