My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
