I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
