Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
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