I wish I could teleport
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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