What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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