The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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