And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
