Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
