I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
