I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
