He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
