she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
