why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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