Got a toothbrush?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
