saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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