It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
