Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
