if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize