Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
