I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
