What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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