you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
