did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
