how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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