i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dignity is for republicans.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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