My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
