if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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