take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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