I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
