I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
