don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
