walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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