shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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