I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
