mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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