So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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