Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
