I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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