WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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