One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
