what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
