I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
