Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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