i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
