I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
