I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize