I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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