Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
