whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
