so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
