well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
