Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
