we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
