Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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