i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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