I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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