i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
