I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
