new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
