I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
